I do one googley-eyed search for protective phone cases and Facebook and Instagram light up with countless advertisements of shiny coverings where videos show a person taking a power tool to the phone, demonstrating your phone, now with a cover on it, can crush walnuts, or survive being submerged in water. If you get that special cover, the right one with the magnetic shiny metal look to it, your phone will survive the hits when you feel that urge to pick up a hammer, or select the right drill bit, or throw it in the kitchen sink.

One google search for phone cases, and I see advertisements for them between every two posts. (Never google “meggings” by the way.)

I often get a comment as to why I don’t ever have a cover for my phone to keep it safe from scratches and scars. Who knew in the 1980s when we were playing Pong on the cathode ray tube TV set that only the Hulk could lift, that one day humans would make devices out of glass that you could fit in your pants pocket?

I decided I would only advertise LukeRawlingsArt.RedBubble.com if I bought something from it myself, so I bought this phone condom decorated with my kissing fish design. I ordered a size 11, but I told Verizon to suck it a week ago, and am now a size 13. These aren’t as fancy as the ones you could use to turn your phone into a nutcrusher or a flying object.

I’m about to use my phone to reply to a student’s email full of anger at me for not replying to his email sent to me on Saturday morning, so I get it, Facebook phone condom advertisements: I DO have the urge to place my phone on the pavement under my right back tire, and drive over it.